It was the summer of 1990 that I became saved through the witnessing of my favorite Uncle “G” and our pastor. Little did I know it would be the start of many struggles in my life. I think maybe one of the most common misconceptions of becoming a Christian, is that life will be perfect afterwards. Ha! That couldn’t be further from the truth…am I right?!

Since that summer, I can tell you that I have been through some of the hardest, most difficult times anyone could ever have.

I met the person I would later marry, when I was around 15 years old. We married when I turned 21 and it was downhill from there. Looking back, I can see all of the signs God was surely revealing to me, yet I chose to ignore, regretfully. I remember specifically praying, before we got married, asking God to show me signs if this is what we should be doing? When we went to pick out our rings, it turned into a terrible argument and was just an awful experience. If you ask me what the argument was about, I cannot even remember. But I do remember the feeling and it was such sadness. And for the sake of being completely transparent, in this story, I will say that a lot of the blame lies with me as neither of us were ready, yet I pushed for it anyway. We had been living together for several years beforehand and I had been under increasing pressure and conviction that God was not pleased with it. And so, I gave my then boyfriend an ultimatum…. that we marry, or I would go.

After only two years in, we were already ready to call it quits. There were constant arguments that turned into physical and emotional turmoil. It was just terrible. All as a result, from not heeding the warnings from God. I ignored Him and thought I could do it anyway…I could make this work. After the separation and divorce, I had nowhere to go, nowhere to turn except back home to my granny’s house. One would think that experience would have opened my eyes, but I still had some hard lessons to learn. Through several years following, I drank, I partied, and entered into other toxic relationships. I slept on friends’ couches and stayed out all night and lived as if I didn’t care if the sun came up the following day. I am sure I broke every single commandment and then some. I guess I thought well, my marriage has ended and now God surely despises me, so what does it matter? Also, I was a bit angry with God. I blamed Him for all my failures and the way my life was going. I thought, is this what I get for trying to do the right thing?

Throughout all of it, I can remember some key moments that God had not left me. All the while, He never ever stopped reaching for me. Not ever, not once.

-He was there in that little church we found, called “Open Road” after losing, my then boyfriend, to sickness as a result of drug use

-He was there in my little brothers’ photo as I looked over at it while partying and drinking one night. It stopped me cold in my tracks, I immediately sobered up as I thought… what if this sweet face who thought so much of me, could see me right now?

-He was there every time my phone rang and it was my worried sick granny asking when I’d be coming home

-He was also there when my former pastor “Lee” told my boyfriend and I we could no longer be members of the church if we chose to continue to live together-a lesson apparently, I hadn’t learned yet.